With all this time off, I’ve been propelled to really reflect on this pregnancy and yes, my feelings. Sometimes I don’t feel like your regular pregnant chick. So many women LOVE being pregnant. LOVE watching their belly grow. Some even say they already have a special bond with their little one. They talk or sing to their baby-to-be. They schedule maternity photos and put it out there for the whole world to see.
But to me, I don’t feel that way at all. My big belly, the veins, the poking – it’s incredibly bizarre to me. Pregnancy has felt nothing short of alien to me. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel like what’s happening is really real. Until I see him, I won’t believe it! Things are growing stronger and closer, but it only feels semi real because I can’t deny how big my belly is, and because we’ve done almost everything you could possibly do to prepare. Now all we need is a baby!
When the time comes to look back at this, maybe I will be able to say that I “loved” being pregnant. Maybe I”ll feel different with my second. But since I’m reflecting right now, I must say that it’s felt rather one-sided. One of my favorite things about being married is that I feel like we’re in it together. That we share the load of life together. We support each other, and are equal. That we experience everything together. But, being pregnant, has secluded me from feeling like that. Pregnancy is something my body has to experience, not his. My body is changing, his isn’t. I’m responsible for watching my diet and what I can or cannot eat. I’m responsible for nourishing this little soul growing inside me. I’m in pain; he isn’t. I have to sacrifice my body, he doesn’t. I have to give birth and labor {more pain}, he doesn’t. I have to deal with the monster ‘roids, he doesn’t. I have to breastfeed, he doesn’t. I have to heal and recover, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have to stress about getting his body back after this. I do. Maybe a part of me is screaming “this isn’t fair!!” I know most pregnant women wouldn’t say this, but I’m saying it. It’s pretty one-sided. And to be honest, I wasn’t expecting to feel like this. We always talked about getting pregnant and having a little person who looked like us to have fun with, but I was not expecting to feel like this in the least.
Don’t get me wrong though, my husband has been absolutely amazing. I know he would trade places with me in a heart beat if he could. He’s been my ultimate supporter over the last 9 months – eating what I eat, going to every single Dr. appointment and child birthing class {including a breastfeeding workshop}, running up to the store whenever needed, buying me Preparation-H and ingredients for root beer floats, massaging, drawing me baths, watching chick flicks, assembling furniture, making me protein-filled breakfasts, shopping with me, telling me sweet things, surprising me with smoothies, cuddling and napping with me, the list could go on. I know how excited he is to be a dad and it melts my heart. He’s been my total savior and I know as soon as little boy comes he’s going to be even more amazing. I must admit that I couldn’t have done this without him, and I’m sorry for any woman who has to go through pregnancy and delivery without a life teammate. So, thank you, Rob. You are the love of my life.
In moments of question like this, I must remember to pray and remember that God chose women for this job for a reason. For our strength, courage, anatomy and loving nature {?}. I know our bodies were meant for this, but a part of me wishes the man did a little bit more, physically. God, give me strength. Help me accept my part in the cycle of life.
Bottom line. I’m ready to experience this already {can you tell? Ha}. To feel what it takes to deliver life. To see this little thing inside me and know that it’s real. To experience seeing him for the first time. To hold him, and touch him. I’m ready for things to feel equal again and for us to share in parenthood together:)
