For my birthday this year I decided to treat myself to Pure Barre! I started with the $10 Tuesday deal and then quickly fell in love. The music, the small movements, the pain. I’m officially hooked. I’m also incredibly in love with their clothing! Too bad I can’t afford any of it, ha. I’m 6 classes in and already seeing results. I took a before shot of my mid-section in case an after shot will be needed. Let’s see how I do after 30 days … Happy birthday to me!
This whole, work full time while your baby is in day care is not going over so well with me. I get it. Lots of moms do it. Either they need to or they want to. I read Sheryl Sandberg’s book. Sure, I too, want to keep my career and grow professionally and continue learning. To “lean in” with career so I have a stable future, a comfortable retirement {in Hawaii?}, and extra money to travel, see the world, blah blah. BUT. My outlook has changed, and I never thought it would. I can’t deal with someone else spending more time in the day with my son than I. I can’t stand the idea of missing his first crawl or first clap. My mom friends warned me that it would be hard, but it’s so much harder than they said it would be. I’m not OK with only seeing him in the mornings/evenings during the week. I want more of him. I want it more than anything for myself. I want to stare at him all day and play with him, plan activities, teach him, help him learn. I don’t even care when he’s fussy. Bring it on Jace. I want to lean in as a mother, full time. Family means more to me than ever before and what our future holds together. Not just Rob and me. But our new family. And so there is where I’m at. In limbo with my feelings. How can a Mom get balance? Is this what my life will have to be like for the next 18 years? Juggling career and child? {yessss}. Am I going to miss some of this precious time, in which I can never get back {yesssss}. What the hell. Moms, how do you do it? My brain is being pulled in two different directions.
And it’s even worst when after my drive to work, I go in the back to get little boy out of his car seat and he’s waking up and about the cutest thing you’ll ever see. He’s sleepy and smiley and cuddly. Then I have to hand him off. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s nauseating. Makes me yearn for a part-time gig or for a day care of my own, ha. Makes me dream big about my blog, writing more, reading more and being a home maker. Makes me wish I lived in Iowa or some small, inexpensive town where I pay a third of what it costs to live in California. Damn you, California. Why are you so expensive?! So, Moms, how do you do it?! Help.
I loved going around town this past weekend with Jace and Rob and hearing strangers wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I obviously know I’m a mom now, but to hear others acknowledge it is surreal! I love that I have a mini person. I love when he locks eyes with me and smiles. I love that I carried him for 9 months. I love when he nestles into my nook for cuddles. I pretty much love being a Mom. Jace’s Mom. And it’s only going to get better. For Mother’s Day this year, we went to one of our favorite beaches here in Santa Cruz: hidden beach. I sure do feel prettier when I have a base tan, so I wanted to get my tan on. We packed a little picnic, Jace’s toys, our beach tent and spent most of the day soaking up the California sunshine. The beach was so white and clean. The breeze was warm. The water was gorgeous. It was the most perfect day with my two men. To all you mommas out there, hope you had a nice Mother’s Day!
They weren’t kidding when they said babes go through a 4th trimester. Little boy is going through this stage where he is happiest when he is held or swaddled super tight. As I’ve said before, some days are easy, and some aren’t. On the not-so-easy days, I try to lay him down, he cries. Put him in the swing, he cries. I try tummy time, he cries. So, I hold him. It really zaps you, but I can’t let go. And I love to sleep with him, and snuggle. It’s really too much sometimes. These tears of joy are here to stay. I’ve been trying hard to start sleep training, by pushing the time between feedings and keeping him distracted and more awake during the day. Still working on it! One night he slept 7 hours. It was miraculous.
This -mester I’ve been living on the pre-made salads from Trader Joe’s, LUNA bars, greek yogurt, egg scrambles, fruit, steamed veggies, and a lot of meat. I’ve never paid so much attention to what, when and how much I’m eating. This breastfeeding thing is exhausting at times. I feel like if I’m not eating between feedings I’m not producing anything. Oh, and water. I sort of have to drink a lot of it, or nothing’s coming out. So much to think about in a day! And going out is a whole other issue. Must coordinate to pump or breastfeed before I go to the gym, or out with friends, or they hurt! And I don’t need any more stretch marks if you know what I mean. I just pray they go back to somewhat normal after I wean him off this summer. I sure want something left after all this.
While I rock baby boy to sleep I read, or I read on my patio or in beed while he sleeps, or at 1am when I can’t fall back asleep. I’ve finished 4 books so far this year: Ender’s Game, Maisie Dobbs, Heft, and The Tools. Reading Someone right now, and really hope to keep this reading momentum going. Have also been reading all the magazines I ordered. Love getting them in the mail and flipping through while I have lunch. Happiness!
Working out again sure feels good. I’m sore most days, and my knees hurt, but I gotta fit into my jeans again, or else what am I going to wear when I go back to work?! My maternity clothes?! On the bright side, I’ve joined a little mommy walking club {yay}. And taking long walks along the beach with Jace once a day is the best. The air, the waves, the sunshine, the smell of sunblock. . . heaven!
Other than all that, this “4th trimester” has been rather blissful. Most evenings Rob and I can eat dinner together and talk about our day . . . and what we love most about our son. I have some bags under my eyes and my stomach still gets in knots sometimes, but that will go away eventually. Trying to keep it together and things easy-going, so little boy will be easy-going. Will be weird going back to work at the end of this month. Work? What is THAT?! My current work day has been kissing Jace and squeezing his chubbo cheeks! And planning little things for us to do on the weekends as a family, making meal plans, working out, cleaning, etc. Maybe this is what stay-at-home-mommas do. Because if so I could totally get used to this. But, we live in California, and it costs an arm & a leg {& an another arm} to live here. So, Momma’s going back to work.
And to you out there reading this here little blog. Thank you. I appreciate your comments and emails and gifts. Sending you a virtual hug!
The hubby let me pick out my push present {the present us mothers receive after pushing a child out of our V}. Usually the push present is a piece of jewelry, but because I’m not a HUGE diamond kind of girl, I went to Esty looking for something custom and unique that would remind me of our little man. I decided on a custom bangle from Sweet Auburn Studio, with a couple other bangles to pair with it {mint & white}. I could buy one of everything in her shop, love it ALL! Thinking I need to add this pineapple bangle to my combo as well, since he’s our little pineapple ;) So, what I’m really saying is, check out Sweet Auburn Studio on Etsy. I completely vouch for the finished product. And Leigh Ann is so sweet to correspond with, just like her studio name! She just added some new tassel items, too, that are adorable. And while you’re at, you should just go ahead and follow her on Instagram, too.
