Life has felt pretty heavy lately. A lot on our minds here in California, a lot that we’re trying to let go of and embrace at the same time. But today was a Monday I don’t want to forget. Mondays are supposed to be crappy for the most part, but for some reason, today felt very eventful, and accomplished. And boy did we need it. Jace was in high spirits and had few tears, Rob got some exciting phone calls, I was fairly productive at work, and I got the boys down by 8:15p, while Rob played some pick up ball with a friend. Today was busy, don’t get me wrong, but we all kept our cool and just went with it. Even when Walker fell off the bed. We might be getting better at this here life with two kids thing after all. Small glimpses of successes all around us. When Walker giggles and snorts at Jace’s games of peek-a-boos, or Jace falls asleep on the same pillow as Walker, or when Rob skips off to basketball, with confidence all over his face. . . it reminds me how good every day is, when you just breathe and see it.
One year ago we lost our Lucy, and I’m now just ready to talk about it :(( I’ve never had to put down a dog before; the pain of saying goodbye really shocked me. It changed me. It activated tear ducts I’ve never allowed myself to use before. I wanted more than anything for Lucy to go on her own peacefully. But, so many things started to go downhill with her health, so quickly, that we had to make the decision for her. Which was the worst part I think. I don’t like playing God. Which is why I don’t support the death penalty. The idea of making the decision to end someone’s life, or in my case, my favorite doggy of all time, just rips your heart out. It twists your stomach into knots. It just isn’t right. And then seeing life end. Watching her take her last breath. It’s the absolute worst experience and feeling in the world. You feel like it’s all your fault. If you had only caught the diabetes sooner. Brought her in sooner. If I could only commit to the shots. If I only had the money. If only I made more time for her. But now, a year later, I’m OK with talking about it, and can laugh and rejoice in the 10 years we had with her. The guilt is slowly melting away. She was my first ever dog all to my own (Rob’s, too of course, since he bought her for me). She was my world before Jace and even after, I still loved her so dang much. Even when she growled at me, or nipped or scratched on walls and doors. Or chewed up my underwear or ate her own poop. She had problems from the beginning, but that didn’t phase her. She still survived a pit bull attack, a skin rash, UTIs, chocolate truffles, cherry eyes, horrible hair cuts, a broken tail, getting lost in our neighborhood, chewing through a fiberoptic Christmas tree.. and so much more.
We FINALLY found a church. It’s called Redemption, which is basically the same church we used to go to when we lived here before but a different location. I also put Jace in flannel to dress him up a little and at breakfast after I couldn’t help thinking how older he looks. Especially with his watch on, just like Daddy.
Lately, I’ve been struggling. With a lot. Some days I feel like my joy is gone. Like I’m going to dry up in this state and blow away in the wind. Thankfully my best friend is pretty awesome and picked me up an essential oil I’ve been trying. Gratitude Attitude. That’s what life is about. Being thankful. I think it’s been helping me. Who cares if I live in Arizona, in the middle of the desert, on cement. I need to make the most of it. The most of family time and of careers. Of hobbies and friends. Of marriage. And most of all, of days with Jace. My little man. Every day is truly a blessing. It can’t be wasted. I’ll be working on my mindset and trying to remember the good things Arizona has to offer. Aside from my emotional roller coaster, how are you all?! Did you miss me? Ha. Hope you enjoy my blog look and new logo. I must say that I designed it! Yay.
The decision to move back to Arizona was a hard one. We both had good jobs in California. Good friends. Good landlords. Good weather. But family won us over in the end. So, we started making all of the arrangements to move, and soon the weekend came for Rob to go back to start his new job, and it was our last weekend in California together. So, for Valentine’s Day we went for a drive along the coast. We opened the moon roof, we put the Summer Mix CD in .. we took in the ocean air and California smells one last time together, and said goodbye. The ocean road took us to Big Sur for most of the day. We stopped at McWay Falls for an easy hike along the ocean. After, we stopped at Nepenthe to watch the sun set over the water. God must have known we were saying goodbye because he gave us the bluest sky that day. The air was warm, with a small chill around evening. Big Sur was busy with adventure seekers for the long holiday weekend, every hotel along the 1 was occupied. So many people outdoors, enjoying all the beauty California has to offer. The landscape so alive and green, on the verge of Spring. In case you can’t already tell, I’m going to desperately miss California and how gorgeous and grand it is. How green and fresh it is. The air, the jasmine, the grass, the fields of wildflowers, the trees that crawl the ocean cliff and the coastal oaks in Aptos, the sound of the waves. I’m going to miss the slow life and the sunsets. But most of all, I think I’m going to miss the life that we had begun to build. Right now it’s time to be close to family, but this life of mine isn’t over. So, California. I’ll be back. I promise you. And trust me, when I set my mind to something, it happens. Thank you God, and California for a wonderful 3 years of adventures to Tahoe, Sonoma, Napa, San Francisco, Half Moon Bay and more.