We finally bought another ride, now for Rob’s new commute to work. The 5 months off were nice but the real world was calling, and so were the 80s! We found this little rad thing – an ’87 Toyota Celica up in Milpitas off CL. Only 80,000 miles and purrs like a kitten. No airbags so we drive extra cautiously, ha, but so far so good. I pray God lets us get around it in safely. Even has the old vintage, original plates. You sort of feel like you’re in Back to the Future or some other 80s flick when you drive in it. Let’s see how it does. And also, a big congrats to my main squeeze for landing an Associate Director of Admissions job. Good luck honey! They already love you I’m sure.
Life has felt pretty heavy lately. A lot on our minds here in California, a lot that we’re trying to let go of and embrace at the same time. But today was a Monday I don’t want to forget. Mondays are supposed to be crappy for the most part, but for some reason, today felt very eventful, and accomplished. And boy did we need it. Jace was in high spirits and had few tears, Rob got some exciting phone calls, I was fairly productive at work, and I got the boys down by 8:15p, while Rob played some pick up ball with a friend. Today was busy, don’t get me wrong, but we all kept our cool and just went with it. Even when Walker fell off the bed. We might be getting better at this here life with two kids thing after all. Small glimpses of successes all around us. When Walker giggles and snorts at Jace’s games of peek-a-boos, or Jace falls asleep on the same pillow as Walker, or when Rob skips off to basketball, with confidence all over his face. . . it reminds me how good every day is, when you just breathe and see it.
One year ago we lost our Lucy, and I’m now just ready to talk about it :(( I’ve never had to put down a dog before; the pain of saying goodbye really shocked me. It changed me. It activated tear ducts I’ve never allowed myself to use before. I wanted more than anything for Lucy to go on her own peacefully. But, so many things started to go downhill with her health, so quickly, that we had to make the decision for her. Which was the worst part I think. I don’t like playing God. Which is why I don’t support the death penalty. The idea of making the decision to end someone’s life, or in my case, my favorite doggy of all time, just rips your heart out. It twists your stomach into knots. It just isn’t right. And then seeing life end. Watching her take her last breath. It’s the absolute worst experience and feeling in the world. You feel like it’s all your fault. If you had only caught the diabetes sooner. Brought her in sooner. If I could only commit to the shots. If I only had the money. If only I made more time for her. But now, a year later, I’m OK with talking about it, and can laugh and rejoice in the 10 years we had with her. The guilt is slowly melting away. She was my first ever dog all to my own (Rob’s, too of course, since he bought her for me). She was my world before Jace and even after, I still loved her so dang much. Even when she growled at me, or nipped or scratched on walls and doors. Or chewed up my underwear or ate her own poop. She had problems from the beginning, but that didn’t phase her. She still survived a pit bull attack, a skin rash, UTIs, chocolate truffles, cherry eyes, horrible hair cuts, a broken tail, getting lost in our neighborhood, chewing through a fiberoptic Christmas tree.. and so much more.
We FINALLY found a church. It’s called Redemption, which is basically the same church we used to go to when we lived here before but a different location. I also put Jace in flannel to dress him up a little and at breakfast after I couldn’t help thinking how older he looks. Especially with his watch on, just like Daddy.
Lately, I’ve been struggling. With a lot. Some days I feel like my joy is gone. Like I’m going to dry up in this state and blow away in the wind. Thankfully my best friend is pretty awesome and picked me up an essential oil I’ve been trying. Gratitude Attitude. That’s what life is about. Being thankful. I think it’s been helping me. Who cares if I live in Arizona, in the middle of the desert, on cement. I need to make the most of it. The most of family time and of careers. Of hobbies and friends. Of marriage. And most of all, of days with Jace. My little man. Every day is truly a blessing. It can’t be wasted. I’ll be working on my mindset and trying to remember the good things Arizona has to offer. Aside from my emotional roller coaster, how are you all?! Did you miss me? Ha. Hope you enjoy my blog look and new logo. I must say that I designed it! Yay.