I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t keep my cool lately, and it’s eating me up inside. Every morning I’m stressed with getting our life together and out the door on time. I’m quick to irritate and lose my patience. I dare say I have quite the temper these days. When it takes me asking Jace 5 times to do something before I have to use my stern, mean, mom voice or when he decides to have a meltdown in the most inopportune time when I really need us to get situated in or out of the van, is when I blow my lid.
I yell and almost want to kick something myself. I grab his arm or just carry him where I need him to go. Exhausting myself even more. I try so hard to keep it together and stay positive, but the mind games with a toddler are throwing me for a loop. Some mornings I spend the entire drive to his preschool trying to talk him into having a happy day at school and that he’s going to have a blast. Other mornings I’m pushing him to be more independent and do things he needs for himself so my every minute isn’t spent serving him like a master. I can’t protect your castle from your 1 yr old brother and make pancakes at the same time, nor can I wipe your butt and prevent Walker from jumping off the fireplace. Maybe a part of me is internalizing the inevitable anxiety of adding a third child to my already packed routine, and I’m now reaching these mini breaking points where it’s all boiling up and I’m starting to lose it with every tantrum or push back from Jace. No matter how much I do the night before or think something will be easy because of this or that, none of that crap matters if I can’t keep my cool. Because what I’m realizing is I’m creating an even bigger monster of a toddler when I act like one myself. No use trying to tell my 4-year old to relax if I can’t even do that myself. If I’m throwing my own tantrum over something trivial, why am I surprised when Jace does the same? If I’m screaming at him, why am I so taken back when he screams at me? Right now I’m reading Raising Passionate Jesus Followers and the biggest tell of the book so far, or what I’m already summing it up to be, is basically to be the best example of what it means to be a passionate Jesus follower. to ultimately be an example of what you want to teach your child. I’ve learned quickly that as parents we’re on display 24/7. They watch you like a hawk. They feed off our energies and reactions so closely and I’m seeing it more and more. No wonder Jace screams at his kinectic sand when it doesn’t keep its shape. I’m over here blowing up all the same when I can’t untangle my iPhone headphones. How does one get more zen during these trying times? How do I remain calm and collected as an example to my child? How do I continue to embrace patience and understanding and words to help Jace react differently to his frustrations? Probably starting with handling my own struggles. More time in the morning I suppose. Or more routine and patience and positivity all around. Please pray and think happy thoughts for me!