Trying to lean in

This whole, work full time while your baby is in day care is not going over so well with me. I get it. Lots of moms do it. Either they need to or they want to. I read Sheryl Sandberg’s book. Sure, I too, want to keep my career and grow professionally and continue learning. To “lean in” with career so I have a stable future, a comfortable retirement {in Hawaii?}, and extra money to travel, see the world, blah blah. BUT. My outlook has changed, and I never thought it would. I can’t deal with someone else spending more time in the day with my son than I.  I can’t stand the idea of missing his first crawl or first clap. My mom friends warned me that it would be hard, but it’s so much harder than they said it would be. I’m not OK with only seeing him in the mornings/evenings during the week. I want more of him. I want it more than anything for myself. I want to stare at him all day and play with him, plan activities, teach him, help him learn. I don’t even care when he’s fussy. Bring it on Jace. I want to lean in as a mother, full time. Family means more to me than ever before and what our future holds together. Not just Rob and me. But our new family. And so there is where I’m at. In limbo with my feelings. How can a Mom get balance? Is this what my life will have to be like for the next 18 years? Juggling career and child? {yessss}. Am I going to miss some of this precious time, in which I can never get back {yesssss}. What the hell. Moms, how do you do it? My brain is being pulled in two different directions.

And it’s even worst when after my drive to work, I go in the back to get little boy out of his car seat and he’s waking up and about the cutest thing you’ll ever see. He’s sleepy and smiley and cuddly. Then I have to hand him off. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s nauseating. Makes me yearn for a part-time gig or for a day care of my own, ha. Makes me dream big about my blog, writing more, reading more and being a home maker. Makes me wish I lived in Iowa or some small, inexpensive town where I pay a third of what it costs to live in California. Damn you, California.  Why are you so expensive?! So, Moms, how do you do it?! Help.