Me in this moment

Do you ever feel like you suck at life? No? Just me? Well that’s how I feel.  And right now, in this moment, all I want is to get better at it. To be more patient with my 3-year old. To be more supportive of my spouse. To be a better friend. To be a better daughter. To be kinder to myself. To work harder at my day job. But sometimes, I feel like I can’t give any more of my self. They said parenting was hard, but gosh, some days, I really have to reach deep. The first book I ever received about parenting said that having children would be the greatest gift from God.  That children would challenge you and make you question things. Make you stronger and build your character. Help you see the purest of hearts from the womb and test your love. That children would teach you patience and selflessness and humility like no other experience. And in this moment, I totally agree. I’m tired and definitely tried. By the end of the day, I feel dead. I fear I look very haggard. I really do. Alone time doesn’t kick in until 9:30 at night, once the kids are asleep, and if I haven’t passed out putting them to sleep, I usually spend the time eating a chocolate chip ice cream sandwich or putting away my laundry that’s been clean and sitting in piles in my small bedroom for 3 weeks. And even more, when Jace wipes his chocolate-smeared mouth on my clean shirt, or fights me to put on his pajamas, or tells me he hates me, or that he wants Daddy after I just made him cheesy scrambled eggs with avo, his favorite, I want to throw in the towel.  But gosh darn it, I won’t! Because you know what Cheryl? He’s human. Just like you.  This is God telling me to work harder. To be stronger. To woman up. To be the kind of person I want my son to grow up to be – calm and collected. And above all, a happy person, because life is good dang it! I’ll stay up later to clean if I need to, and put off my bikini wax another month so I can buy him a $40 Guardians of the Galaxy toy set. My self might be sort of unrecognizable in the moment, but dang it, that kid is a part of me and I freaking love him. And his pure heart gets me every time. Just like tonight, when he wanted all the neighbors and lookers driving by to look at his freshly carved pumpkin, all lit up in the dark on our front porch. He even invited people back to our house to see it after buying tealights at the local grocer. When he looks at us and says, “I have an idea”, I about want to cry in that moment. He’s so good, I just need to see it more. He truly is a gift.

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